Writing about stress when I am stressed

by | Stress/anxiety

My mentor and friend Jenny Grainger asked me a few months ago as we planned some Positive Living Network events ‘How does it feel to sit in the unknown?’ and I knew and the time and I still know now; it’s awful!

I started writing this blog this morning but as things went on I was stressed and didn’t manage to finish it. I was stressed and I wasn’t able to write my blog post about anxiety and stress… That stress hasn’t gone away but I do feel better now, after I talked myself off a ledge. My car is with the mechanic because it failed the NCT this morning. I had been thinking that I would like to go back to a badminton club night training that I used to attend when I lived in Galway before tonight but without the car I would have to walk the 30 minutes there. I haven’t been to this training or played badminton in years and it has been 3 months now since I did any exercise and I am nervous about going back. I wondered if I would be able to keep up, especially after a 30 minute walk. I then realised that I didn’t have cash, so I had to walk 30 minutes the other direction to find an ATM. On the way back I was thinking ‘if I am at home by this time, I’ll have x amount of time to make dinner and then I should be able to relax a bit before I have to go. I’m not sure if I’ll be able for it.’

I stopped myself there. There will be lots of other training nights, we’re only at the beginning of September right now, you can go later in the week. You don’t have to do everything at the one time. I turned around and I bought a tea and sat in a café for an hour talking to my mum on the phone.

I don’t have anxiety but I think that I can have periods of anxiety and as a result of this realisation I have so much more respect for anyone who actually suffers from anxiety on a constant basis. Wow! I don’t know how you live normal lives, I am not sure that I would be able to. I noticed the week before I went on holidays that I was stressed. I was stressed about the car. I am reactivating a southern registration plate and if it so happens in the future that I am given the choice between doing this again and sawing my own arm off with a knife, I will say goodbye to the arm without even thinking about it. The whole thing is a headache but at that time, I noticed that when my mind was bored with one ‘problem’ it moved onto another one. My car wasn’t and still isn’t sorted but my mind had moved onto the next thing it could worry about. I was then getting worried about random things. One night I thought ‘maybe if I continue being super stressed I’ll get some sort of an autoimmune disease like Lupus. When I heart that I knew I was completely gone!

The big thing for me at that moment was that I was able to notice the thought for what it was; a crazy thought, a thought that may or may not be true as not all of our thoughts are true. I have this ability to identify thoughts largely due to my mindfulness practice which I have so much appreciation for. Without that practice and without my own self-awareness which also comes from that practice I wouldn’t know that I am stressed. When I was in college and in my final year in school I used to wake up during the night and not know why I was awake. I now know why I was and am awake at all hours and I am therefore able to do somethings to help me with it.

As I said, my stress and anxiety are not gone; I am still sorting out the car, I still don’t have much money coming in and I don’t have much work but I just got my first payment for my Women’s Full Moon Circle that is happening for the full moon later this month so I am taking that as a good sign! But my anxiety reminded me of Jenny (mentioned above) and Eoin’s story. They moved from Ireland to France without much of a plan and you can follow their whole story on their YouTube channel here but for me now, the moving is over, I am now in Galway and now all that is left to do is to sit in the unknown and it is really uncomfortable! But I am aware of my thoughts and if I continue with my mindfulness practice (especially during those sleepless nights) I’ll be OK…right??!


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